High Standards

Recently I’ve been stressing myself out because I feel like I want to have a job or do something that contributes to society/ is something good. Ross is all excited because of my new job, he keeps going on and on about how good this will look if I ever want/need to get a different job because I’m technically high level management at a multi-million dollar company. But I want something more than a resume building job. I want a job that is important for more than making sure all the bulletins for Sunday morning services get printed. And I know there is a lot more to my job than that and I really do love my job. I don’t know if it’s that I don’t feel challenged (which would be BS because I’m struggling to get over this stupid learning curve and remember everything and do it all right), or if it’s something else, I’m just feeling discontented and unsettled.I told Ross the other day (as I had a meltdown over all this) that I just want to do something that our kids will be proud of, I want to do something that matters. Money has never been a motivator for me, I want to do something important. If I’m being honest, I want people to look at me and like me, to look at me and think “wow, I wish I could be like her.”, to be interested in me and what I do. And I want to do it all perfectly, I don’t want to struggle, I don’t want to not know, I don’t want to have trouble learning. 

This is all really new to me because for my whole life I’ve never really been a very motivated, hard working type. I only did things when I was pushed to, I lost interest in things quickly, and if I thought it was too difficult I quit. But recently I’ve been changing that. I’m working out 5 days a week because I want to be able todo anything I want, I don’t want to not be able to do something because I’m not strong enough (and honestly I like being able to prove people wrong when they underestimate me and think that I can’t pick something up or move something). I have this image in my head of who I want to be when I “grow up” but I don’t quite see all the parts and I don’t know how to quite get there. I have all these things I would love to do (get a degree, open a rescue, become a dog trainer for the navy or police) but I don’t know how to accomplish these things. I’m also a little hesitant because I have a history of getting really into something for a little while then losing interest and quitting. I don’t want to do something drastic that will require a major life change for me and Ross or will require lots of money, to then lose interest in a few months and then we’re screwed. My image of my grown up self is confident and fit with a kick ass job and a wonderful family, a nice house and a nice car, everything is roses. I know life isn’t always like that but that’s my goal.

So as I think about that future self that I see in my head, I wonder “where did these high standards that I’m setting myself come from?” It’s like I can’t be a good role model or someone that my kids will be proud of if I don’t have this amazing job and I’m not basically amazing all the way around. You see those moms that are always put together, make up done, with their tiny bodies and well behaved kids, being a corporate tycoon while still having a homemade dinner on the table by 6 every night and date night every Friday. Maybe that’s just a picture I’ve created in my head of some unobtainable perfection, but that’s what I feel like I want to try and be for some reason. (I don’t even want to be a corporate tycoon!) So where are these expectations coming from? My mom has worked off and on through my whole life, doing everything from running the preschools at majorly huge churches to working retail. My dad had a big wig job at a pharmaceutical company for most of my life. My parents never impressed upon me that I had to be some big huge success or I would never amount to anything, they never put a big emphasis on having to have money to be successful, they never did anything like that and I’ve always been proud of my parents and looked up to them no matter what. And I know that my kids will be the same way, but I want to do something to deserve that pride.

If I could do anything I would either start my own bully breed rescue/shelter or train dogs for the military or the police. I would really love to train bomb sniffing dogs. How awesome would that be, to train the dogs that save lives every day by making sure our soldiers avoid being blown up? But I talked to a Navy recruiter and he said that (as they always do) there’s no guarantee that I would be able to do that, and while I’m less scared of being in the military than I used to be I still don’t really want to be a soldier. I get teary every time I see anything to do with a folded flag. Another thing that makes me hesitate about going that route (even though it’s stupid because I’m almost 25) is my parents reaction to it. My family isn’t anti-military, but they’re anti- Big Brother and anything that seems like Big Brother. (it never used to bother me, I just rolled my eyes at it but now it’s bothering me more) I mentioned to my mom that I wanted to be a cop last year and you would have thought that I said I wanted to sell my first born child by the way she reacted. Ross and his family are extremely supportive though, which is a good thing. Apparently Ross talked to his dad about it and he said that he thought that would be a good fit for me. I just end up chickening out every time I think about going forward with anything in that train of thought. And now that I have this new job that I’ve been in for just over a month now, I feel like I can’t pursue it. And we’ve been trying to have kids for 2 years already, I don’t really want to put that off either. So there’s just so much confusion around all of this that I don’t know what to do. But those high standards that I’ve set for myself are always there lurking in the back of my mind. And I know there’s no reason for the, Ross is proud of me and loves me just how I am, so do my parents and so do his parents, and I know our kids will too but I still want more. And I don’t know how to get that more that I want. I keep thinking that once we have kids this feeling of inadequacy and needing to do something better with my life will go away because all I’ve ever wanted my whole life was to be a mom but I don’t know because I’m not there yet. I HATE ALL THIS WAITING!!!!!!

So now I’m stuck trying to decide if I want to hold myself to those ridiculously high standards that I have in my head or do I want to try and relieve some of the pressure off myself and relax. I want to be happy with myself and where I’m at, I just don’t know if I want to stay where I’m at.

Snow day!

Finally! A day covered in snow but I actually don’t have to go anywhere or do anything! I actually got to go play in the fresh new snow with my fur babies and conned my hubby into getting out from under the blankets and take some pictures. 🙂 Then I took some more pictures while Belle and I watched Dad shovel the driveway and I dropped her into a few snow piles that were bigger than her. 🙂 she still loves me and the pictures are adorable!
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And, just for fun, this is the fountain out front of the nursing home that’s next to my office. This is what happens when you leave a fountain running all week when the temperature doesn’t get into the double digits!
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This Feeling

I really hate this feeling. I had a meltdown to my hubby last night about how I feel like I’m not doing anything with my life that actually matters. I have all these giant dreams way deep down to help rescue dogs and to train dogs for the police or the military but I keep pushing them down because it just seems impossible to accomplish them. I would love to go back to school so I can have something I’m working towards, so I’m learning something new, so I feel like I’m accomplishing something; but I don’t have anything specific to go for so it would basically just be a waste of money and time to do that. I want to join the Navy and train bomb sniffing dogs but I just started a new job that is a really good job that I got through friends that I see all the time so I feel like I can’t leave when I’ve only just started. Plus, if I join the Navy there’s no guarantee that I would get to train their dogs, just that I would be in the Navy (which is kind of scary to me). And I would love to open a bully breed rescue/shelter so that I can help to save all the dogs that I see from shelters in the surrounding areas that are overcrowded and being put down every week, but I have no business experience and no business plan and no money to start it  up so that just seems like a pipe dream every time I think about it. 

I go through this every few months, I’m good with my life and everything is good then it just kinda builds how I feel like I’m not doing anything. I want to do something noble, something important, something that matters. I keep thinking that once we have kids this feeling will go away because being a mom is one of the best ways that I can think to spend my life. But as every month goes by of us trying to get pregnant and not succeeding, it gets harder to keep it together. I just want to feel like I matter! Like I’m doing something good! My passion in life is dogs, I want to do something to help dogs and to help people. 

Ross keeps saying that in a few years I’ll be able to get any kind of job I want after being the office manager at our church. A high level management job of a multi-million dollar corporation is a good thing to have on a resume. But I honestly don’t care about my resume. I think part of my funk might be due to the fact that Ross has been trying to find a new job and complaining about how useless his college degree is while I would just about give my right arm for the chance to go back to school and get a degree. Plus I’m having a harder time adjusting to my new job than I had anticipated. This is the first office job I’ve ever had, plus I’ve never used a Mac but it’s still frustrating. I don’t like coming in every Monday and being bombarded with things that I forgot over the weekend. It’s just frustrating and discouraging. 

I think I just need to get it together and get over myself. I have an awesome job that tons of people would love to have so I should just be happy with it. I have a wonderful husband, 3 adorable dogs, a good job, a house, a car, I am truly blessed. I need to to get over myself and be happy with the blessings that God has given me and trust that what He has in store for me is even better than I could ever imagine. 

I am trusting that God has an amazing plan for my life.

Opinions

I like when people have strong opinions about things that are important to them. I have strong opinions about rescue dogs, table manners and disciplining your children. But I truly hate when people have strong opinions and are judgemental to people who have different opinions than them. Yes, I believe that homosexuality is wrong but I have several gay friends and their sexual orientation does not affect my friendship with them. I believe abortion is wrong and would never do anything like that, but I don’t spew hatred on the people who don’t think it’s wrong. I believe that you should rescue a dog instead of buying one from a breeder but I don’t condemn the people who buy purebreds. I don’t understand why people feel the need to be so mean and argumentative to people who have different opinions than them. What good does that do?

When you’re argumentative and close-minded, you make other people angry and defensive. When people get angry and defensive, any decent discussion turns into a screaming match where nobody wins. The only thing that discussions like that create is anger. We need to quit being so worried about being right and be more worried about the actual things we’re fighting over.

Try, try, try again

Welp, no baby for us this month. But I’m learning to be ok with that. True, when AF first showed up last night I got really upset, I even got a little mad at God. We’ve been trying for 2 years and I’ve had to watch all these people around me get pregnant on accident, I’ve waited my turn! But then hubby and I were talking and apparently the surgery that he had to fix his heart condition can affect his fertility by up to 40%! I would never ever ever regret making him get that surgery because I know it saved his life and our relationship because SVT only gets worse the longer it’s left untreated, but it really does suck that it would affect this.

But now I have had 24 hours to re-adjust so now I am on track with a new plan. Despite having been trying for 2 years, we never went really crazy with mapping and tracking and taking temperatures and all that because we wanted to keep the spark there and not make it clinical. But since that obviously hasn’t worked, we’re going to try a different strategy. Hubs had wanted to go to the Dr and get all the fertility tests done and start with all that as soon as March gets here but I want to try a different approach first. I want to try 3-6 months of taking the ovulation tests and tracking before we go to the doctor. So we’re going to go that route before taking the extreme steps, but we know now what to be on the lookout for and how to plan for it.

I am really excited to have a baby and I am getting really really really impatient but I am going to continue to trust in God’s timing and His plan. He knows what is best for me, for my hubby and for our future family and I am going to trust in that.

Waiting waiting waiting!

Ok, this post is going to be slightly rambley and TMI at points but I’ve only been able to talk to one friend who is also TTC so she gets it but I want to vent!!! (and I have vented to her about the same things every day for the last week so I need to find a new outlet…)

Ok, so hubby and I have been TTC (which means Trying To Conceive) for almost 2 years now. Up until last month my cycle was 27-30 days. Then last month I got my hopes all up because I was late! But then right before midnight on day 32, AF showed up (AF means Aunt Flo…). I was so horribly upset and disappointed, which I know is totally understandable but I was still a raging bitch for the next couple day. So now, I’m on day 34 of a cycle with absolutely no PMS symptoms, no cramps, no AF, nothing! But then I test and it’s negative! This is getting soooooo frustrating! I even went so far as to jump my hubby for a little afternoon delight to try and jumpstart AF if she’s going to show up (not that having sex with my husband is a chore!)! I just HATE all this waiting! My plan is to keep testing and if AF still hasn’t showed up by Friday I’ll go to my OBGYN on my lunch break on Friday to get them to do a blood test. I know it’s possible to get false negatives, no matter how pregnant you are, but that is so frustrating! 

My boobs are ridiculously sore, my nipples are crazy sensitive/even painful, I have had dry mouth since last Thursday and I’ve been feeling all kinds of funny tugging and mini cramps in between my hips like they’re making room for something! I really really really want there to be a baby in there! We have so many friends and family members that are pregnant, and half of them got pregnant on accident! It’s so frustrating to have been trying for so long and to be seeing people get pregnant without even trying. It really sucks when people around you that don’t want children are getting pregnant, people who are older than us, people in worse health than us, people with less money than us and a worse living situation than us. I am always happy for my friends and family when they get pregnant because it’s a wonderful thing, but when TTC has consumed my mind all I can think about is how I’m doing so much more to try and get that blessing! 

Looking back, I know that there was a reason that God hasn’t blessed us with a baby yet, despite the fact that we both want one so badly. We have had a very rocky start to our relationship, the first 2 years of our marriage were very hard on both of us. I never once tried to use getting pregnant as a way to ‘keep’ my hubby, we both wanted our relationship to work with us before there were more of us. We’ve had lots of money problems, sometimes not even being able to take care of ourselves so it would have been a horrible situation to bring a baby into. Looking back now I can see all these things, and honestly I could see them when they were happening too I just didn’t like them. All I’ve wanted since I was a little girl was to be a mom. I used to play games by myself after I had gone to bed where I was having a baby, where I was being a mom. This is all I’ve ever wanted in my whole life and to have to wait so long for it and for it to not be in my control is so difficult for me to deal with. My mom never had any problems getting pregnant, my mom managed to get pregnant twice in the span of 6 months! One was a miscarriage, so that wasn’t particularly good, but still! I am healthy, relatively active, have mostly regular cycles and I have very wide hips that are perfect for giving birth to babies! It is so frustrating to see all these things and still see a negative test every month!

Hubby says that if we still don’t have a baby by March we’ll go to the doctor and get all the tests done that we can to figure out what is going on. He used to have a heart condition that caused his body temperature and pulse to be really high all the time, which had caused issues for a friend who had the same condition and was TTC with his wife. He had surgery to fix it last May so it shouldn’t still be a problem but we don’t know what else it could be. I’ve been reading all the books, eating all the right foods, eating all the fertility foods, it’s just so frustrating!

Alright, I’m done with my rant. I’m just trying so hard to not get my hopes up in case AF decides to show up days late like she did last month. I just want ANSWERS!!!!!!!!!!