Waiting waiting waiting!

Ok, this post is going to be slightly rambley and TMI at points but I’ve only been able to talk to one friend who is also TTC so she gets it but I want to vent!!! (and I have vented to her about the same things every day for the last week so I need to find a new outlet…)

Ok, so hubby and I have been TTC (which means Trying To Conceive) for almost 2 years now. Up until last month my cycle was 27-30 days. Then last month I got my hopes all up because I was late! But then right before midnight on day 32, AF showed up (AF means Aunt Flo…). I was so horribly upset and disappointed, which I know is totally understandable but I was still a raging bitch for the next couple day. So now, I’m on day 34 of a cycle with absolutely no PMS symptoms, no cramps, no AF, nothing! But then I test and it’s negative! This is getting soooooo frustrating! I even went so far as to jump my hubby for a little afternoon delight to try and jumpstart AF if she’s going to show up (not that having sex with my husband is a chore!)! I just HATE all this waiting! My plan is to keep testing and if AF still hasn’t showed up by Friday I’ll go to my OBGYN on my lunch break on Friday to get them to do a blood test. I know it’s possible to get false negatives, no matter how pregnant you are, but that is so frustrating! 

My boobs are ridiculously sore, my nipples are crazy sensitive/even painful, I have had dry mouth since last Thursday and I’ve been feeling all kinds of funny tugging and mini cramps in between my hips like they’re making room for something! I really really really want there to be a baby in there! We have so many friends and family members that are pregnant, and half of them got pregnant on accident! It’s so frustrating to have been trying for so long and to be seeing people get pregnant without even trying. It really sucks when people around you that don’t want children are getting pregnant, people who are older than us, people in worse health than us, people with less money than us and a worse living situation than us. I am always happy for my friends and family when they get pregnant because it’s a wonderful thing, but when TTC has consumed my mind all I can think about is how I’m doing so much more to try and get that blessing! 

Looking back, I know that there was a reason that God hasn’t blessed us with a baby yet, despite the fact that we both want one so badly. We have had a very rocky start to our relationship, the first 2 years of our marriage were very hard on both of us. I never once tried to use getting pregnant as a way to ‘keep’ my hubby, we both wanted our relationship to work with us before there were more of us. We’ve had lots of money problems, sometimes not even being able to take care of ourselves so it would have been a horrible situation to bring a baby into. Looking back now I can see all these things, and honestly I could see them when they were happening too I just didn’t like them. All I’ve wanted since I was a little girl was to be a mom. I used to play games by myself after I had gone to bed where I was having a baby, where I was being a mom. This is all I’ve ever wanted in my whole life and to have to wait so long for it and for it to not be in my control is so difficult for me to deal with. My mom never had any problems getting pregnant, my mom managed to get pregnant twice in the span of 6 months! One was a miscarriage, so that wasn’t particularly good, but still! I am healthy, relatively active, have mostly regular cycles and I have very wide hips that are perfect for giving birth to babies! It is so frustrating to see all these things and still see a negative test every month!

Hubby says that if we still don’t have a baby by March we’ll go to the doctor and get all the tests done that we can to figure out what is going on. He used to have a heart condition that caused his body temperature and pulse to be really high all the time, which had caused issues for a friend who had the same condition and was TTC with his wife. He had surgery to fix it last May so it shouldn’t still be a problem but we don’t know what else it could be. I’ve been reading all the books, eating all the right foods, eating all the fertility foods, it’s just so frustrating!

Alright, I’m done with my rant. I’m just trying so hard to not get my hopes up in case AF decides to show up days late like she did last month. I just want ANSWERS!!!!!!!!!!

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