This Feeling

I really hate this feeling. I had a meltdown to my hubby last night about how I feel like I’m not doing anything with my life that actually matters. I have all these giant dreams way deep down to help rescue dogs and to train dogs for the police or the military but I keep pushing them down because it just seems impossible to accomplish them. I would love to go back to school so I can have something I’m working towards, so I’m learning something new, so I feel like I’m accomplishing something; but I don’t have anything specific to go for so it would basically just be a waste of money and time to do that. I want to join the Navy and train bomb sniffing dogs but I just started a new job that is a really good job that I got through friends that I see all the time so I feel like I can’t leave when I’ve only just started. Plus, if I join the Navy there’s no guarantee that I would get to train their dogs, just that I would be in the Navy (which is kind of scary to me). And I would love to open a bully breed rescue/shelter so that I can help to save all the dogs that I see from shelters in the surrounding areas that are overcrowded and being put down every week, but I have no business experience and no business plan and no money to start it  up so that just seems like a pipe dream every time I think about it. 

I go through this every few months, I’m good with my life and everything is good then it just kinda builds how I feel like I’m not doing anything. I want to do something noble, something important, something that matters. I keep thinking that once we have kids this feeling will go away because being a mom is one of the best ways that I can think to spend my life. But as every month goes by of us trying to get pregnant and not succeeding, it gets harder to keep it together. I just want to feel like I matter! Like I’m doing something good! My passion in life is dogs, I want to do something to help dogs and to help people. 

Ross keeps saying that in a few years I’ll be able to get any kind of job I want after being the office manager at our church. A high level management job of a multi-million dollar corporation is a good thing to have on a resume. But I honestly don’t care about my resume. I think part of my funk might be due to the fact that Ross has been trying to find a new job and complaining about how useless his college degree is while I would just about give my right arm for the chance to go back to school and get a degree. Plus I’m having a harder time adjusting to my new job than I had anticipated. This is the first office job I’ve ever had, plus I’ve never used a Mac but it’s still frustrating. I don’t like coming in every Monday and being bombarded with things that I forgot over the weekend. It’s just frustrating and discouraging. 

I think I just need to get it together and get over myself. I have an awesome job that tons of people would love to have so I should just be happy with it. I have a wonderful husband, 3 adorable dogs, a good job, a house, a car, I am truly blessed. I need to to get over myself and be happy with the blessings that God has given me and trust that what He has in store for me is even better than I could ever imagine. 

I am trusting that God has an amazing plan for my life.

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