Recently I’ve been stressing myself out because I feel like I want to have a job or do something that contributes to society/ is something good. Ross is all excited because of my new job, he keeps going on and on about how good this will look if I ever want/need to get a different job because I’m technically high level management at a multi-million dollar company. But I want something more than a resume building job. I want a job that is important for more than making sure all the bulletins for Sunday morning services get printed. And I know there is a lot more to my job than that and I really do love my job. I don’t know if it’s that I don’t feel challenged (which would be BS because I’m struggling to get over this stupid learning curve and remember everything and do it all right), or if it’s something else, I’m just feeling discontented and unsettled.I told Ross the other day (as I had a meltdown over all this) that I just want to do something that our kids will be proud of, I want to do something that matters. Money has never been a motivator for me, I want to do something important. If I’m being honest, I want people to look at me and like me, to look at me and think “wow, I wish I could be like her.”, to be interested in me and what I do. And I want to do it all perfectly, I don’t want to struggle, I don’t want to not know, I don’t want to have trouble learning.
This is all really new to me because for my whole life I’ve never really been a very motivated, hard working type. I only did things when I was pushed to, I lost interest in things quickly, and if I thought it was too difficult I quit. But recently I’ve been changing that. I’m working out 5 days a week because I want to be able todo anything I want, I don’t want to not be able to do something because I’m not strong enough (and honestly I like being able to prove people wrong when they underestimate me and think that I can’t pick something up or move something). I have this image in my head of who I want to be when I “grow up” but I don’t quite see all the parts and I don’t know how to quite get there. I have all these things I would love to do (get a degree, open a rescue, become a dog trainer for the navy or police) but I don’t know how to accomplish these things. I’m also a little hesitant because I have a history of getting really into something for a little while then losing interest and quitting. I don’t want to do something drastic that will require a major life change for me and Ross or will require lots of money, to then lose interest in a few months and then we’re screwed. My image of my grown up self is confident and fit with a kick ass job and a wonderful family, a nice house and a nice car, everything is roses. I know life isn’t always like that but that’s my goal.
So as I think about that future self that I see in my head, I wonder “where did these high standards that I’m setting myself come from?” It’s like I can’t be a good role model or someone that my kids will be proud of if I don’t have this amazing job and I’m not basically amazing all the way around. You see those moms that are always put together, make up done, with their tiny bodies and well behaved kids, being a corporate tycoon while still having a homemade dinner on the table by 6 every night and date night every Friday. Maybe that’s just a picture I’ve created in my head of some unobtainable perfection, but that’s what I feel like I want to try and be for some reason. (I don’t even want to be a corporate tycoon!) So where are these expectations coming from? My mom has worked off and on through my whole life, doing everything from running the preschools at majorly huge churches to working retail. My dad had a big wig job at a pharmaceutical company for most of my life. My parents never impressed upon me that I had to be some big huge success or I would never amount to anything, they never put a big emphasis on having to have money to be successful, they never did anything like that and I’ve always been proud of my parents and looked up to them no matter what. And I know that my kids will be the same way, but I want to do something to deserve that pride.
If I could do anything I would either start my own bully breed rescue/shelter or train dogs for the military or the police. I would really love to train bomb sniffing dogs. How awesome would that be, to train the dogs that save lives every day by making sure our soldiers avoid being blown up? But I talked to a Navy recruiter and he said that (as they always do) there’s no guarantee that I would be able to do that, and while I’m less scared of being in the military than I used to be I still don’t really want to be a soldier. I get teary every time I see anything to do with a folded flag. Another thing that makes me hesitate about going that route (even though it’s stupid because I’m almost 25) is my parents reaction to it. My family isn’t anti-military, but they’re anti- Big Brother and anything that seems like Big Brother. (it never used to bother me, I just rolled my eyes at it but now it’s bothering me more) I mentioned to my mom that I wanted to be a cop last year and you would have thought that I said I wanted to sell my first born child by the way she reacted. Ross and his family are extremely supportive though, which is a good thing. Apparently Ross talked to his dad about it and he said that he thought that would be a good fit for me. I just end up chickening out every time I think about going forward with anything in that train of thought. And now that I have this new job that I’ve been in for just over a month now, I feel like I can’t pursue it. And we’ve been trying to have kids for 2 years already, I don’t really want to put that off either. So there’s just so much confusion around all of this that I don’t know what to do. But those high standards that I’ve set for myself are always there lurking in the back of my mind. And I know there’s no reason for the, Ross is proud of me and loves me just how I am, so do my parents and so do his parents, and I know our kids will too but I still want more. And I don’t know how to get that more that I want. I keep thinking that once we have kids this feeling of inadequacy and needing to do something better with my life will go away because all I’ve ever wanted my whole life was to be a mom but I don’t know because I’m not there yet. I HATE ALL THIS WAITING!!!!!!
So now I’m stuck trying to decide if I want to hold myself to those ridiculously high standards that I have in my head or do I want to try and relieve some of the pressure off myself and relax. I want to be happy with myself and where I’m at, I just don’t know if I want to stay where I’m at.