Jealousy is a mean bitch

Ughhh. So. The other day, an old friend from when I was in college (and with my abusive ex) added me on Facebook. Freaked the bejesus out of me that he found me even with my new married name but I added him anyways because we used to be friends. So then today I get on FB and see that he has had another son by another girl that he isn’t married to (he has 1 son already) and jealousy reared her ugly head. I have done everything right, I am married and have a good, stable job. I own a house and a good car. I don’t smoke, drink, do drugs or hang out with crazy or violent people. So why does he get to have 2 gorgeous, sweet baby boys? I want babies! I want sons to take to T-ball and to watch sports with and to dress in adorable baby sneakers! I know we will get it figured out and we will have babies, I am just so impatient. I’ve waited for 2 years already, where are my babies?!

God, I know you have a plan for me and that You will give me the family you have for me when it is in Your plan. Please give me the patience to wait for Your plan, the peace and happiness to enjoy my life until it’s our time, and the love to be happy no matter what happens.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you.”

“I came that you may have and enjoy life, in abundance, to the full, til it overflows!”

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

“As for you, be fruitful and multiply, increase greatly on the earth and multiply in it.”

“For this child I have prayed and the Lord has answered my prayers.”

Ooops

Well, Yesterday was Day 1 of our Focus 40 forty day fast. I did not do too well. I made it through the day but then hubs was talking about trying to do something so we can still gave dinner together and that’s what we did and of course I was starving so I ate an entire pizza! So that was definitely a fail for Day 1. But I am back on topic and am going to test my willpower. I have been going back and forth about doing the normal fast or doing a Daniel fast (where you only eat fruits and vegetables) and I’m still not 100% sure about what I’m going to do but for now I’m going to stick with my normal fast and see how well I can do. I don’t want to feel like I failed at fasting and I don’t want to get caught up in the legalistic side of things. I’m going to see how well Zumba goes tonight and decide from there. I bought a bunch of fruit and some celery last night so if I do decide to continue with my fast, I’ll be able to do some juicing for some variety. And if I have trouble with Zumba, I’ll switch to the Daniel fast so I can stay healthy. Another thing that has me leaning toward the Daniel fast is that, while we aren’t actively trying this month (after my horrible month last month), there is still the possibility that I could be pregnant since that is a side effect of having unprotected sex (duh!). So I want to make sure that if I am pregnant, I am taking care of my tiny little miracle. I want to make sure that I’m not taking the easy way out, I feel like I’ve never really done anything super hard that required lots of willpower to stick it out (even though that isn’t true because when I left my abusive ex it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it took me almost 6 months to finally get past the urge to go back) so I want to almost test myself to see if I can do it. I love fruit so the Daniel fast wouldn’t be that hard for me, in my mind, so I’m not sure what to do. I guess I’ll see what happens with Zumba and decide from there.

Animal Abuse

I am so mad right now! I was wandering around on Facebook because I’m bored at work and I saw this story that made me so mad and disgusted! Here’s the story as I know it: a Lexington police officer lives in a rural neighborhood in Scott County where it’s common for them to have chickens and dogs and other animals like that. One of his neighbors has free range chickens on their property and a 12 year old lab that wanders around outside with them. The police officer has chickens in a coop as well and apparently no fence. So one day he sees the neighbors 12 year old lab wandering on his property, not bothering his chickens, not really bothering much of anything. So he decides to take his gun and follow this dog as it’s leaving his property; he follows it all the way through his yard as it’s walking away from him, not posing any kind of threat or doing anything at all to him, and he shoots the poor baby in the back and kills it 30 feet from the property line. Initially it was said that he would not have faced any charges but there has been such an outcry from the people in the area that he is now under investigation from the Police Department and he could face charges such as animal cruelty. He has admitted to shooting/shooting at 5 other dogs for coming onto his property and has openly said that he will continue to do so if any more dogs come into his yard. The owner of the dog that was killed has said that all the neighbors on their street are worried because most have dogs and sometimes dogs get out, so now they have to worry that their dog might get out and wander across his path on a bad day and end up shot to death.

The more I read into this story the angrier I got, for so many reasons.

1)it’s your neighbor’s dog! Even if you don’t know your neighbors (like me) you still at least know of their pets and you can tell if they’re aggressive (like my neighbors seem to think mine are) or if they’re total sweethearts (which mine actually are). If you live on the same street as the animal, you know if it’s a threat or not, especially in a neighborhood like that.

2)he’s a police officer! Not only should he be held to a higher standard because he is an officer of the law, but he should have known better! He has been trained on how to handle volatile situations and situations including dogs. He should have come up with a better way to handle the situation than following the dog and shooting it in the back.

3) He followed this dog across his whole yard. Even if you aren’t a dog person, you can tell when a pet is just going home. I understand that by the letter of the law, he is allowed to shoot at/kill any animal that is threatening any livestock on his property, but that doesn’t mean that you get free rein to shoot anything that isn’t yours that comes into your yard! What he did is basically the equivalent of stalking a person and shooting them in the back, that’s how I see it. It’s despicable.

4)He’s saying that he’s sorry it happened now but he has openly said that he’ll do it again, which basically means that he’s sorry because everyone’s making a big deal out of it and he’s in trouble. How can someone do something like this and think that it’s ok? He has admitted to the press that he saw that the dog was not a threat to his chickens but that he shot the dog as she was peacefully on her way home because he thought that she might come back at some undetermined future date and be a threat. How much sense does that make?!

5)He’s a police officer. Imagine if he’s this vindictive and short tempered and irrational with his neighbor’s dog that has done nothing to him, what would he be like to a person? I don’t think anybody would fare well with him if they did something or acted some way that he didn’t like. You’d probably end up arrested and throw in jail indefinitely.

This whole story just makes me sick. People make such a big stink about “bully breeds” and talk about how bad they are, but it’s people like this that make dogs mean and angry! I’d bet every penny I have that if he had shot a Rottweiler or a Pit Bull nobody would be taking a second look at this story because those dogs have been branded as ‘dangerous’ and ‘scary’ and all kinds of other things. I bet people would even be saying that the police officer should be rewarded for taking a dangerous animal off the street. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that this story is getting as much attention as it is because this kind of behavior should be punished and discouraged. But this would be a very different story if it hadn’t been a 12 year old lab that was a beloved family pet. These kinds of stories make me so angry! This is why it is my dream in life to be able to open a shelter to help relieve some of the stress on the kill shelters in the surrounding counties, so I can help to change the image of shelter dogs and so I can help to end bully breed stereotyping. And so I can help protect sweet innocent babies from monsters like this man. I hope he does face serious charges and I hope he is forced to pay for what he did. The owner of the dog who was killed said that the police officer murdered one of his children today and I agree with that sentiment 100%. If that had happened to one of my precious fur babies, I would have his head. There would be no ‘trying’ or ‘out for blood’. There would be no other option, I would not be stopped. I would have blood, I would have his badge hanging on my wall. No one should be able to treat someone else’s pet that way and get away unscathed.

40 Day Fast

Tomorrow is the start of Focus 40, my church is doing the 40 day fast from tomorrow until Easter (April 20). I am super excited to do it, I’ve never done one before and I’m excited to see the kind of things that God is going to do in my life and in the lives of the people in my church. I am going to do a ‘normal’ fast (as defined by our pastor in his sermon giving 7 different types of fasting) where I have no food, only juice and water. I’m not doing this to lose weight, I’m doing this because everything in my life has been so messed up and nothing that I’ve done has worked so it’s time for something drastic. I need to quit focusing on myself and what I could do to fix problems and focus on how God can fix my problems. God is so much bigger than I am, I need to remember that He can take care of things so much better than I can. 

I will be keeping track of how my body changes, because I know it will because that’s what happens when you don’t eat for 40 days, but that is not my main goal. It is on my list of goals and things that I want for myself out of this, things that I am believing God for.

“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it and it will be yours.” Mark 11:24

I am believing God for:

-healing from internal discomfort – godly friends – to know what I’m supposed to be doing with my life so that I can stop feeling so pointless – peace – victory – my life to be different – a baby – to continue to improve on controlling my emotions, especially my temper – to be happy with myself – to pray continuously – to not be afraid anymore – to lose the unhealthy weight and be able to continue a healthy, mostly vegetarian lifestyle – to break free from any food addictions, especially sugar – 

I am very excited to see how God will be able to break any strongholds in my life and how God is going to change my life and the life of this church in the next 40 days!

Fat Day

It’s always a fat day when you’re trying to squeeze into freshly washed jeans. (maybe that’s why I hate doing laundry…) But it makes it extra fat when you’re doing your jeans dance (that funny hopping, gyrating, convulsing thing you do while trying to get jeans to fit over your large and in charge hips and booty) and your hubby is pulling on his jeans and looking at the new 2 inches of space between the band and his flat stomach. So while you’re struggling to get the button to go through the button hole that you know it can fit into, he’s searching for a belt and it just might make you want to strangle him! Ya know, just speaking from personal experience here. :/ (and the real kicker is that he isn’t even really trying to lose weight!!!!!)

But I do have to be able to take a step back from the emotional response and remember a few things. 1) he is a guy and (as he always loves to point out) he can just do some sit ups every day for a week and practically have a washboard for a stomach) they do lose weight differently and quicker (in most cases) than girls do. 2)I have ginormous hips that are not going to go anywhere, no matter how much weight I lose. Zumba has no effect on bone structure. I have come to terms with the fact that my big “baby making” blips (as my mother calls them) will determine my pant size and forever keep it at t number that is higher than I would have liked. But I am at peace with that now and I love my big ole’ hips now. 3) it doesn’t matter if you painstakingly hang every pair of your jeans to air dry or if you just haphazardly throw them in the dryer after they’ve been washed, THEY WILL FEEL TIGHTER!!! There’s just no way around that unless you never wash your jeans and that just isn’t an option for me with my three mud magnet dogs. And 4) my husband (all freaking 135 pounds of him) loves me for exactly how I am, all 183.5 pounds of me. He likes to insist that a lot of that weight that I have and he doesn’t comes from the fact that I have boobs, a butt and am an inch taller, but unfortunately those things don’t make up for almost 50 pounds. 

So yes, while it is a fat day and I am dressed accordingly in a looser sweatshirt over my tighter jeans that give me a muffin top, I am still proud of myself and I still love myself. It took me a long time and a lot of work (and a lot of work on my hubby’s part) to get me where I am now so I am not going to let laundry day derail that. I know that I am being more active than I’ve been since my marching band days,  I know that I’m being healthier, I know that this is my one body and I should enjoy living in it no matter how other people tell me it should look. I apply that to all my tattoos, why shouldn’t I apply that to my size?

Don’t let others dictate how you feel about yourself! If you like being curvy and bodacious, then own it! If you like being as tiny skinny as you can be, then own it! If you like being super fit and ripped, then own it! It’s your body and your life, live it for you and the people who truly love you and matter will be there with you.

Dresses

I am trying so hard to not let this bother me, but I really hate when I try on a dress that I really want to wear for church tomorrow and I can’t get it zipped further than halfway up. I know it’s tight because my hips are so wide (which I do love my big hips) and I couldn’t get it zipped because of my rib cage and not my fat, but it still really sucks. But I do have other dresses and I tried on another one right after that and it looked good, but still…

I am not going to let myself get discouraged! I have other clothes that fit me well and look good, I am sexy and confident, and my husband loves how I look so who else do I need to please?

Happy happy day!

This has nothing to do with fitspo (which is where I’m trying to focus) but this makes me so happy I just can’t keep from sharing!!!
A year and a half ago, my hubby surprised me by actually bringing home the German Shepherd puppy that I had been begging him for. Our friends had bred their Shepherd and had 7 puppies, and had only gotten rid of 4 of them so with the puppies and the other dogs they had, they had 7 dogs and 2 cats in their house. My Blue boy is a very laid back and not aggressive at all and his brother, Apollo, is extremely Alpha male and they were being forced to share a crate and an eating space. Usually they just tossed food onto the floor of the crate so my poor Blue boy never got any of it due to his brother’s aggression.

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This was the only picture I had ever seen of him and I couldn’t tell the deplorable condition that he was in when I wanted him initially. (not that how he was treated would have changed whether I wanted him as mine or not) But if I could have seen how skinny he was I would have insisted on taking him, not just begged the hubby.

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This is how he looked when he came to my house. The poor baby was skin and bones, terrified of everything and timid as a newborn. You could see and feel every bone in his spine, every rib in his chest and trace the entire outline of each of his hip bones! He was so timid and scared that he wouldn’t even interact with my other puppies and if you startled him or tried to discipline him, he would pee himself out of fear. He wouldn’t touch any toys, no matter what. He acted like nothing was his, like he didn’t deserve anything. It broke my heart to see this gorgeous boy so mistreated.

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Now look at my baby! It makes me so happy to see him playing with toys and my other puppies! It’s been a long road, but we’re getting there. I sat on the arm of the couch for an hour, holding a rawhide bone that I had slathered in peanut butter so that he would feel comfortable gnawing on it. He now loves rawhide bones, he has a favorite rope toy that he carries around with him and he loves cuddles! He is such an amazing fur baby, I couldn’t imagine what would have happened to him if my hubby hadn’t caved and let me have him and he had ended up in a shelter.

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How adorable is this cuddle monster?!

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He loves cuddling with his sister!

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I LOVE MY SMILEY BABY!!!!!

Healthy Eats, Happy Me

My new philosophy on eating is to eat when I’m hungry and not eat when I’m not. Sounds super simple, right? Well. Let me just tell you. I am probably the queen of overeating land in both the states of boredom and enjoyment. Also, you’re told as a small child that it’s mealtime so you have to eat, so you end up eating when you aren’t hungry out of a feeling of obligation. So now I’m going to eat whenever I’m hungry and not when I’m not hungry, regardless of what time it is. Now of course, that doesn’t mean I’m going to be making meal at midnight just because I’m still awake (even though I shouldn’t be), I just mean that there’s no point in waiting tip the point where you’re starving enough that you could eat a whole zebra because you feel like you have to wait until noon to eat lunch. If you’re hungry at 11:15, then eat! Your body gives you signals for a reason, listen to them. 

Now yes, you do need to be able to distinguish between the “I’m hungry” signal and the “I’m bored” or “I’m thirsty” signals and you do need to make good choices with your food. But if you know me at all (which hopefully you’ll start to as I continue to ramble on and on about myself on a regular basis) you know that I love food. I love good food that is not so good for you. That is why moderation is my friend! We aren’t really close friends but we’re getting there. I don’t want to feel guilty every time I eat a doughnut or I want to make fried chicken. I had a 20 minute debate with myself over whether I was going to make fried chicken or boiled chicken to go with my couscous last night because I was trying to talk myself out of wanting fried chicken in favor of the healthier option. Honestly, what is the point of food or being able to cook if you aren’t going to enjoy it? I made the fried chicken and I enjoyed every single bite of it (even if it did get a little burnt)! I’m just so tired of feeling guilty over enjoying the things that God has given us for sustenance!

Now no, God did not invent pizza. But he made the person who invented pizza so it’s kinda the same thing! And it’s my opinion that God did not intend for us to gorge ourselves on food, but He wants us to enjoy life. Food is something that I really enjoy in life so I’m not going to let other people make me feel guilty for enjoying my food! 

Moderation is key. Having a doughnut once a week isn’t a bad thing, having 2 or 3 doughnuts a few times a week is. Enjoy your food!

 

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Every Wednesday the old guys come to the church to do handy man stuff and they always bring doughnuts from Spaldings and insist that I have one. I regret nothing!!!!!

 

Good Days

I’ve had a good past few days, which is awesome. It always feels like forever in between really good days, for one reason or another so it’s always nice to have a string of them, especially after a horrible weekend. I couldn’t go to Zumba on Monday so that kinda sucked (stupid snow and stupid Lexington for not being prepared), but I was able to go yesterday! I didn’t get to go to Butts and Guts because I carpooled with a friend but that was alright with me, I was so sore after I went on Thursday that I was still feeling it on Saturday! I know, I know, that’s a good thing because it means that what you’re doing is working but it still sucks to hurt when you laugh! (I do a lot of laughing…) 

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(Forgive my messy room. Believe it or not, that is clean for me!) 

I was feeling pretty confident yesterday, I wore gray to Zumba! I hate to sweat and I hate it even more when my clothes get sweaty so I tend to avoid wearing gray at all costs when I’ll be hot. I did cover it up with more black (as usual) but hey, baby steps! I find that wearing clothes that you really like helps a lot. I may or may not wear my workout clothes for a lot more than just working out, but they’re just so comfortable! But I love yoga pants! I have a couple pairs that will probably never fit me right but they look so cool it’s worth it. (the pants I wirer last night are the perfect example). I was pretty excited that I didn’t have as bad of a muffin top last night as I usually do when I wear those pants!

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I love my PINK water bottle! Not just because I love Victoria’s Secret (which I do) but because it’s so big! It used to have a really handy little handle but I broke it on accident. (very sad day. I was highly upset.) But it still holds lots of water so it’s still my best friend! I like Zumba because you can’t have anything but your feet on the floor so I can’t keep my water bottle right there with me. One of the hardest things for me has been that I get so hot and sweat so much that I drink a lot during a work out when I would work out at home and I would make myself sick. But now I just get a drink when I really need one or I really need a second to take a breather (or I’m trying to avoid a song like the hoedown song where we have to basically run in circles for half the song and I get sooooo dizzy!). 

It’s all about finding your balance, finding what works for you and doing that. My dad has tried a few times to get me to run with him but I don’t enjoy it and I apparently don’t have the right form because I have always ended up in major pain afterwards (not sore pain, real pain in my hips and joints). It could also be because I run with my spaz of a dog who tries to pull me every which way, but whatever. Just because something works for someone else does not mean that it will work for you. You need to find what you like, what fits into your schedule and what makes you feel better. Whatever reason you’re doing it (to get a man, to keep a man, to lose weight, to be healthier, etc.) you need to do it for you. I’ve found that the only motivation that truly motivated me was when I wanted it for me. My husband doesn’t think I need to lose weight and I’m not really that overweight, so I had to find something that would work for me, something that would push me and would help me feel better. 

I want to be strong. I want people to underestimate me so I can see the looks on their faces when I can do it with ease. I never want to be the puny little girl who can’t help pick up the couch or whatever else may come up. That is what I’m working for.

Healthy, Not Skinny

So I just went through my Pinterest ‘Health” board (we all have them) and deleted all the duplicate posts that I have and I was shocked by the amount of Pins that were workouts under 30 minutes long. Well, ok, I wasn’t really shocked since I have an intense hatred for sweating and working hard, but still. I’ve been doing a lot of researching and reading lately because I’m determined that this time, I am actually going to get healthy and stay healthy. When I mentioned this to my hubby we ended up in a huge blowup fight because he thought that my idea of what eating healthy and living a healthy lifestyle is was wrong, which of course made me very upset and turned everything into a screaming match. But it made me think. What really IS eating healthy? There are so many crash diets and magic pills out there that it’s hard to figure that simple question out. So when I sat down to go through my Health board on Pinterest, I decided to delete any Pin that had a short and guaranteed workout (like Blast that Belly Fat in 2 weeks with just this 10 minute workout!) or any Pin that had a crash diet or cleanse. Not that I am against cleanses, I actually really like them. But I don’t think that they are a healthy way to live your life. A cleanse once or twice a year is good, a cleanse every month is probably not so good. I have always struggled with weight for as long as I can remember and I’ve had many rough times because of it; I tried to make myself anorexic, I’ve tried every crash diet I could think of from the 3 day military diet to the maple syrup and cayenne pepper drink that Beyonce supposedly drank for her role in Austin Powers, and I’ve tried pretty much every diet pill ever made. But none of them ever stuck because for some reason, as much as I hated the gut that I had developed I couldn’t motivate myself to stick it out and actually keep it up until I saw the results. I had convinced myself that it wasn’t possible for me to lose weight because my body didn’t do it the way that I saw others do it. So many of my friends dropped tons of weight during band camp (yes I was a band nerd) but I always gained weight. My husband can stop drinking Sprite and he’s back to a flat stomach in a week but I hardly ever drink any soda at all so I can’t even get any results from doing that. It’s extremely frustrating and defeating. 

I am still dealing with weight and self esteem issues but they are better than they used to be. That doesn’t mean that everything is rainbows and I love to sweat now but I’m getting there. I started going to Zumba 2-4 times a week and I love it so that’s a step in the right direction. I think I’m going to start using this blog as a place to showcase what I’m doing and post pictures. So be prepared for anyone who actually reads this, There are going to be lots of fitspo and pictures of my fat belly on here. Hopefully it won’t be very fat for much longer! I just really want to be an example and show that real people struggle and real people don’t look like super models! Everybody has ‘fat days’ and everybody judges themselves. But just because you don’t feel like you’re where you want to be or you don’t like how you look right now doesn’t mean that you can’t be confident and love yourself where you’re at! I have come to love my size 13 hips and my thunder thighs. (If my thighs didn’t touch, how would I catch the food that I drop in my lap?) But just because I love those things doesn’t mean that I can’t want to tighten up my belly or have more muscle in my arms so I don’t feel like they’re flapping in the wind all the time.

I use my tattoos to add art and beauty to my temple of a body, why should I look at my body any differently? My body is a temple and I want it to look it’s best. You always clean your house before you have visitors, so why wouldn’t you want your temple body to look good too? Every time someone looks at you, it’s like having a visitor in your temple and you control what they see. 

Be happy with yourself! 

love yourself no matter what! We only get one body and one life so why waste your life hating your body? God made you and He thinks your gorgeous, how do you think it makes Him feel when you hate what He created just for you?