Heaven is Real

So, when I first started going to church with Ross I met an old lady named Doty. (I don’t know if that’s her real name, her last name, or just a nickname, that’s just what we called her) I was told that she had been Ross’ prayer partner and had prayed for him while he was away at college, so right away I knew she was very important to Ross. And not only that, she was always very nice to me and I respected her greatly.

We found out this past weekend that she was in the hospital, but nobody made it sound super serious. They just kept saying things like ‘she’s not doing well’ and that it was an infection and things like that. Ross and I planned to visit her at some point this week, we really wanted to go today but with Ross’ new job we weren’t able to find the time. But tonight he was told that they took her off life support and don’t expect her to make it through tomorrow. I, of course, started bawling, but Ross says that they’ve asked for it to be just family. She doesn’t recognize anyone anymore, not even her own son, but she keeps saying that she wants to see her husband, who has already died. She isn’t thinking thhat he’s still alive, she knows that he’s dead and she knows that she’s going to see him. She’s even said a few times that she has seen him waiting for her. If that isn’t confirmation that heaven is real then I don’t know what is.

As we’re talking about it, Ross tells me that that’s how he wants it to be when he goes. Not the not remembering people part, but that he wants to be talking to and seeing me. In 80 years of course, because we’re going to live to 115. That has to be the sweetest, most amazing thing that I’ve heard, that he loves me so much that he wants his last words and last thoughts to be about me. If that isn’t true love, then I don’t know what is. I am so blessed to have such an amazing man as my husband, that I get to love and cherish him for the rest of my life, that he gets to be the father of our future children, that I get to spend every night next to him. I am truly blessed.

Inspiration

This past Easter Sunday, I got to sing with the worship team in the service (which isn’t anything unusual, I sing pretty much every other week) and I absolutely loved the worship! I love to sing anyways, but this time it was different. I could really feel the Holy Spirit in the room and it was amazing! There were 2 songs that we sang that truly took my breath away, Glorious Day and The Only Name (Yours Will Be). 

Glorious Day

One day when Heaven was filled with His praises

One day when sin was as dark as could be

Jesus came forth to be born of a virgin

Dwelt among men; my example is He.

The Word became flesh and the light shined among us,

Hid glory revealed

 

Living He loved me;

Dying He saved me;

Buried He carried my sins far away.

Rising He justified freely forever;

One Day He’s coming

O glorious day!

 

One day they led Him up Calvary’s mountain.

One day they nailed Him to die on a tree.

Suffering anguish, despised and rejected,

Bearing our sins, my Redeemer is He.

Hand that healed nations stretched out on a tree and took the nails from me.

 

Living He loved me;

Dying He saved me;

Buried He carried my sins far away.

Rising He justified freely forever;

One day He’s coming

O glorious day!

 

One day the grave could conceal Him no longer.

One day the stone rolled away from the door.

Then He arose, over death He had conquered;

Now is ascended, my Lord evermore!

Death could not hold Him, the grave could not keep Him from rising again!

 

Living He loved me;

Dying He saved me;

Buried He carried my sins far away.

Rising He justified freely forever;

One day He’s coming

O glorious day!

 

One day the trumpet will sound for His coming.

One day the skies with His glories will shine.

Wonderful day my Beloved one bringing.

My Savior Jesus is mine!

 

Living He loved me;

Dying He save me;

Buried He carried my sins far away.

Rising He justified freely forever;

One day He’s coming

O glorious day!

 

I love this song so much because it is so full of hope for me! I have struggled with so much fear of death that the phrase “The He arose, over death He had CONQUERED!” is just so amazing!!! There is nothing to be afraid of because I trust in the one who conquered death!

The other song that really impacted me was a new song that I had never sang before the rehearsal, I had never even heard it because I don’t listen to Christian radio (I do mostly only listen to Christian CDs though, with some oldies mixed in). The Only Name (Yours Will Be is a Big Daddy Weave song and I got a copy of it and listened to it non-stop for 2 days after rehearsal!

The Only Name (Yours Will Be)

Yours will be the only Name that matters to me,

The only One Whose favor I seek,

The only Name that matters to me.

 

Yours will be the friendship and affection I need,

To feel my Father smiling on me,

The only Name that matters to me.

 

And Yours is the Name, the Name that saved me.

Mercy and grace, the power that forgave me.

And Your love is all I’ll ever need.

 

Yours will be the only Name that matters to me.

The only One Whose favor I seek.

The only Name that matters to me.

 

When I wake up in the land of glory,

with the saints I will tell my story,

and there will be one Name I proclaim!

 

The phrase in that song, “Yours will be the FRIENDSHIP and affection I need” stopped me in my tracks. Literally. I had to make myself keep singing when we got to that line because it hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve been struggling a lot lately with feeling like I don’t have any friends anymore. I am a social person, I like to see people and do things (most of the time, everybody has their times when they just want to be anti-social!) and since my best friend moved I haven’t had the opportunity to do that as much. I feel like I have fewer friends than I do fingers on one hand and that really bothers me because I don’t have anyone I feel like I can really talk to sometimes. And I know that I have friends, and I love my friends, and I know that it’s harder to find time to hang out as we get older and have crazier schedules, but it still bothered me a little bit. But that line really made me stop and realize that I am supposed to be putting God FIRST in all my relationships and in all things. If I have a good friendship with Him, He will fill my life with godly friends that will enrich my life. If I worry more about what He thinks of me and what I’m thinking, then the things in my life will quit falling apart and start falling together in His plan. I need to worry more about my friendship and relationship with God than with people (not that friendships with people are bad, it says in the Bible that we need fellowship with others). I just need to get my priorities straight.

So needless to say, my Easter was an amazing time of worship and celebration of the resurrection of Jesus Christ!

More Family, More Holidays

When I was a kid, I always thought that it must be so awesome for kids who’s parents were divorced because they got to have 2 of every holiday. (I was a kid who’s parents were and still are happily married, I didn’t quite get the concept of how much divorce sucks for the kids)Then when I got older, I thought how much fun it would be when I got married because we would have holidays and birthdays with both families. Now that I am married and am having to do all major holidays with both families, I realize how much it kinda sucks. Yes, it is nice to be able to see everybody and it is fun when you’re there, but still. We’ve been pretty lucky so far, all the holidays the last few years have been pretty easy. My mom works retail so we do Thanksgiving on the Wednesday of that week instead of Thursday so we don’t have to do 2 Thanksgivings in 1 day. His uncle is a preacher so they do Easter the Saturday before since he has to do services that morning and evening. The only time it was a little difficult is when his grandma rented a cabin in Gatlinburg for the whole week of Thanksgiving and wanted the whole family to come down there for Thanksgiving. My parents were very nice about it and we did Thanksgiving with them a whole week in advance so we could go on this Murphy family trip.

But this year, Easter has turned into a major stress-fest for me. This year, one of Ross’ cousins has decided to throw her son’s birthday party at 4 in the afternoon on the day before Easter, which is exactly when the Murphy’s usually do their Easter. So that pretty much screwed everybody. Well, it screwed us at least. So Ross got a text from his grandma last night (exactly 1 week before Easter) saying that they decided to do Easter dinner right after church on Sunday, which is exactly the same time that my parents are doing theirs. So needless to say, I am not very happy about this. I got so upset when Ross told me that I almost started crying right on the spot. I’ve spent so much time away from him that I really just wanted to spend a nice day together and now we’re going to be rushing around like crazy people trying to get to all the family events. At first I thought that he would end up going to his family’s Easter and I would go to mine, and the idea of that just broke my heart. I know it’s not like he’s in the military or living in another state for a job or anything really hard like that, but he’s working almost 60 hours a week and all day Saturday and Sunday and he’s 30 minutes away so he doesn’t get home until almost 9 at night. It really sucks. But he says that we’ll go to my family’s Easter then get to his whenever we get there. While I really like that, I don’t at the same time. 

When Ross and I were dating/engaged, he told me that his grandma doesn’t like his cousins spouses very much because once they got married, they quit coming to family stuff as much and they quit coming over to see her very much. I am not like that and I haven’t heard anything like that about me, but I’m still paranoid about it. Yes, we go over to my parent’s house for lunch after church every Sunday, but that’s because we don’t get out of church until almost 12:30 most Sundays and his family is already halfway through their lunch by then. (No joke, his uncle ends service between 11:55 and 12 like clockwork and they’re done with lunch by 1) So I’m really trying to make sure that it doesn’t come across that we can’t/aren’t going to Murphy things because we’re doing things with my family, but it’s true! We had already told my parents that we would do Easter with them after church on Easter Sunday! I can’t change my entire family’s schedules around because the Murphy’s change their minds and don’t decide what they’re going to do until the week before! Which I think is why Ross said that we’ll just get there when we get there but I’m still worried. I know it’ll be fine, but I feel like we never get to see his family anymore (because we don’t), but I know that’s not my fault. I just don’t like it.

I did not expect that have twice the holidays and twice the family would be such a headache!!!!!!!!

Praising, not Complaining

I am finding myself feeling very melancholy and bummed this afternoon, and I don’t know why. So instead of wasting thoughts and time on these feelings that don’t deserve it, I’m going to be thankful instead. There is always something to be thankful for, no matter how bad things look. Thank God for those things when you don’t see any good, He will always hear you and if you seek Him even when you don’t want to and you don’t feel like it, He will bless you.

-I am thankful for my husband. Even though we’ve had our problems and still do every now and then, I know that he is the one that God had planned for me since the beginning. He balances me out and he makes me feel better, even if there isn’t anything wrong I get a sense of peace from being in his presence. He goes out of his way to make me happy, even to the point of not always making the responsible choice because he wants to do things for me. He’s never the one I would have picked for myself but God’s plan always prevails if we let Him in.

-I am thankful for my puppies. While 3 dogs may be too many for our small house, my life is so much better because they’re in it. Even if they are obnoxious and wild and spastic I still love them and they are my best friends.

-I am thankful that we own a house and have 2 cars. While sometimes it might be a juggling act to get them all paid for every month, we are incredibly blessed to have them. We never have to worry about the weather because we have a good roof (that we replaced when we bought the house so it’s only a few years old) over our heads and we have reliable cars that can take us to work and to the dog park and the gym and anywhere else we would want to go. While we may dream about having a bigger house and nicer/newer cars, it’s an amazing blessing that we have the ones that we have now.

-I am thankful for my job and for the fact that Ross can find a job anywhere. While I may complain about my job and Ross may want to switch jobs every 6 months because he gets bored, we have good jobs and can keep that roof over our heads, gas in our cars, and food in the dog bowls. I may not know if this is where I’m supposed to be for the rest of my life or even the next year, but it’s good to be here for now. 

-I am thankful for God’s provision when we’ve had hard times. There have been many times in the last few years since we’ve been married that we didn’t see a way out, didn’t know how the bills were going to get paid, didn’t know how I was going to find a job, and didn’t know what else we could do. But God always provided, in one way or another. 

-I am thankful (in hindsight) that we don’t have a child yet. While I do want to have a baby almost more than anything, God has a plan and His plan is better than mine. His timing is better than mine. Looking back on it, our lives would have been horrible if we’d had a baby in the last 2 years. We still have medical bills from Ross’ heart surgery 2 years ago that we haven’t been able to pay off. It wouldn’t have been fair to bring a child into that financial situation. But God has been there for me through every disappointing month and He has helped me to still see the happiness ion life and enjoy the time with my husband, even without a baby. I know He has children for us when the time is right. (It’s still hard to not think about it every month because I did it for so long, but I’m trusting His timing and know it will happen when He wants it to)

-Lastly, I am thankful for the work that He has done in me over the last few years. To say that my faith was anemic when Ross and I got married would be a major understatement. We went to church because that was what we were supposed to do, but that was the extent of it. Now we are very involved in our church, and I feel like we are both growing in our faith, and I know that I am. I’ve started keeping a prayer journal that I write in multiple times a day, I’m trying to stop cussing, trying to stop judging and criticizing so much, and trying to stop complaining as much. I am interested in learning more and am making time for more Bible study and am focusing nothings that will make me a better person.

I have so much to be thankful for and I refuse to let a bad mood make me forget that.

From Beginning to Forever

I’m feeling a little nostalgic today, so I started going through old Facebook pictures after I finished the work I had to come in early for. :/ They made me smile to see how far I’ve come. 🙂 There’s a whole 2 year period that’s missing but that’s whatever, not worth getting into right now. (looking through those pictures was also the first time I thought really negatively about my tattoo on my arm too, the thought actually went through my head that it’s like he branded me, but that’s not the point) I had so much fun looking at old pictures of me and Ross, it’s funny the things you notice once you’re a few years removed from the picture. 🙂

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He used to have so much hair! *giggle* (not that he’s bald now or anything, it’s just not nearly as thick)

I remember the first time I met Ross. It was a few days before my birthday and I had just gotten a tattoo as a birthday present to myself/I had had an awful weekend and wanted to have some kind of release so I got a tattoo, and my roommate and I went over to her sorority sister’s apartment to hang out. When we got there, there were a bunch of people there including the sorority sister’s boyfriend and one of his friends. Everybody wanted to see my new tattoo so I was showing it off (as I love love LOVE to do) and I remember the look that the boyfriend’s friend kept giving me, it was a look like you give to the kids who think the best thing in life is to party and get drunk and be slutty all the time (which is kinda the place I was in, minus the slutty part) and you’re more grown up than them so you know better. I brushed it off and didn’t think anything else of it. Turns out that the boyfriend had brought his friend over to meet/be set up with my roommate (but he wasn’t really her type). Throughout the night I kept thinking that he was looking at me (which he swears he wasn’t) so I moved to the other side of the room so he couldn’t see me because the last thing I wanted was him to like me and my roommate to like him and have that cause issues in our friendship. The friend was currently recovering from knee surgery and coming out that night was the first time he had been able to go out since his surgery, so when I moved I felt a lot more comfortable since he hadn’t moved all night so I figured I was safe. 

So, of course, me and Amanda (my roommate) talked about the boys that night after we went home. And she said that she didn’t really like him, he wasn’t her type, so I said I kinda did. 😉 So we invited them all to come hang out at our apartment a couple nights later. We hung out for hours, and then the 5 of us were together almost every night. We talked about everything, from Ross’ baseball career and love of coaching to my ex and that abusive relationship. There was one night that always brings a smile to my face when I think about it, we had gotten McDonalds and somehow we ended up throwing ketchup packets at each other and everything just kind of went from there. 🙂 

We’ve definitely had our ups and downs, both in and out of the relationship. One of my other roommates (I lived in a 4 bedroom apartment with my friend Amanda and 2 other people I didn’t know) went totally crazy and threatened to kill us both so Amanda and I ended up both sleeping in my room with my dog and Ross behind a locked door and I had a total meltdown so Ross had to call my dad after we’d only been dating for a month and tell him the situation. (I was curled up in a ball on the bed crying my eyes out and insisted Ross call my dad because I ‘couldn’t call him again and tell him that somebody else wanted to hurt me’ so you can see why I was a bit of a mess). Then after all that he moved in with a friend and I spent pretty much all my time there but his friend was kind of a jerk so we got an apartment together less than 6 months after we started dating.

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This was the first time he had ever cooked a big meal and we’d had a date night. 🙂 The food really was amazing, the steak took up the whole plate! (I always marvel at the fact that I’m not a million pounds. I love to eat waayyyyy too much.) There were even rose petals on the bed! He really can be sweet when he wants to be. 😉

We didn’t have any problems transitioning to living together since we had spent almost every single night together since we started dating anyways, but it was still different. I had to learn how to let go of my insecurities and my hangups that came from my last relationship, and that was a lot harder than I had anticipated. I had come a long way all on my own, I had picked myself back up and put the pieces back together by myself and I liked who I had become in those few months between when I got healthy again and when I met Ross, so I had to learn how to find a balance between being on my own and abandoning myself for the relationship (which I have a tendency to do). About 6 months after we moved in together, Ross went on a week long cruise with his family and I stayed home. (it was a family thing that was already planned so I didn’t get to go) I was a total wreck the whole time he was gone. I was so terrified that if I didn’t see him all the time, my attraction to him would fade and we’d fall apart. I was so lonely that I tried to bring my dog and stay in my parent’s basement! (which was a majorly huge colossal failure) And then when he came back with lots of jewelry and sweetness, all my fears went away. (I remember trying to explain to my dad what a promise ring was….he didn’t get it! It was really funny)

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Then on April 1, 2011 he proposed!

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My family was super happy, his family was very cautious. (Apparently the majority of them thought I was pregnant because not only had we only been dating for a year, we were engaged just under 4 months. Almost 3 years later and still no kids, so joke’s on them!) It went by in a whirlwind of lots of drama and stress. I was still working full time with crazy hours so my mom did the majority of the planning, which was upsetting to me because I felt like it wasn’t really my wedding. My mother and I are very similar in some ways, which causes lots of problems with easy communication and idea sharing so I felt like I was getting run over a lot of the time. We bought a house at the end of May, so not only were we planning a wedding but we also bought a house and moved. With the house came a whole new list of stresses and problems. But through it all, Ross was my rock and my sanity. It’s still that way, even if everything is great. When I’m with him, I just feel better. About halfway through the wedding planning process, I was sitting in my car in the mall parking lot, trying to compose myself before meeting my mom to look for bridesmaid outfits, and the song Nothing Else Matters by Metallica came on the radio. As I listened to the words of the song, it put everything in perspective for me and helped me to remember what I was doing all this for. That was my mantra for the rest of the time leading up to the wedding, “Nothing else matters”

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Nothing Else Matters by Metallica

As much as I love my tattoo and it helped me stay sane, it caused some problems. About a month before the wedding we got into some major money problems and my parents helped bail us out. Then on my wedding day my mom sees this new tattoo and thinks that I’ve been out blowing money on tattoos and letting them pay for the important stuff (which was not true in the slightest, at all, ever! I had gotten that tattoo a few months before and just kept it hidden because I knew she wouldn’t like it), so she threw a huge fit and basically refused to help me get ready for my wedding. I remember sitting on the bed in what used to be my bedroom trying not to cry because I had already done my makeup, surrounded by my bridesmaids and cousins repeating over and over again that I needed Ross, someone call Ross, he’s late, I need Ross. My mom did end up helping me with my hair because we needed to get it finished so we could take pictures, but she was not happy about it. She stuck the decorative pins in my hair so hard she scratched my head and I tried not to cry. But the pictures turned out pretty (I can always smile pretty for a camera) and then once Ross got there and I was able to go downstairs and see him, everything got better. We did pictures with my family (I have such a large extended family that we did pictures with them before the wedding so that we could do them in my parents backyard, which was gorgeous, and not hold up everyone between the ceremony and the reception. We’re not superstitious at all so it didn’t bother us) and then we were able to get into the limo and leave. I spent the whole time sitting as close to Ross as I could, being happy. 

The ceremony was short, sweet and to the point. I didn’t want anything long and drawn out, I wanted the traditional vows, I wanted simple and nice. I wasn’t real concerned about it because I knew that I would most likely not remember any of it, which is true! Ross and his uncle (who officiated the wedding) both said they thought I was going to pass out when we got up to the altar, they said I got white as a ghost as soon as my dad and I stopped. I felt it too, my mouth went all dry and I felt like I couldn’t breathe! (which, in my defense, I really couldn’t because we barely got me squeezed into my dress that morning) Ross still likes to joke about how I shook through the entire wedding. (I shake when I get nervous/anxious/upset, which I had been all of those things that already that morning) And I made my brother cry too, because I kept looking at him over Ross’ shoulder during the ceremony (I do remember that part!).

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The ceremony was a blast. I couldn’t eat anything because my dress was so tight (I guess that’s why you get to go to a tasting before the wedding, so you can know how good it is beforehand since you won’t get any on your wedding day!) but I still managed to stick some cake in there. 🙂 (there’s always room for cake! ….probably why I couldn’t fit into my dress…) The dj started with some slow boring song, but I wanted to dance and it was my wedding day so I went over and had him play a line dance. Well, everyone was out on the floor for that one and I got to dance all night long! (well, only til about 7:30, we’re old. :D) We got so many compliments on everything, from how short the ceremony was (from my Catholic uncle), to how amazing it was that everyone had so much fun at a reception where there was no alcohol provided! (my family is very old school Southern Baptist, plus it’s crazy expensive to provide alcohol at a wedding, so we got the reception room closest to the bar and told people they could go to the bar for their drinks. It worked out great.)

When we finally got to go up to our room (we had our reception at the Hyatt so they provided a room for us that night), Ross tried to be sweet and carry me but I just wanted to get to the room and get my dress off. 🙂 that’s me, super romantic. By the time I got my dress off, I had indents in my sides from the corset wiring in the bodice of the dress! I sat in the shower for almost 45 minutes and when I came out, my sweet husband had ordered a plain sandwich on toasted bread for me because my stomach was so upset from not getting to eat all day and being so hot in that tight dress. 🙂 We laid in bed that night and changed our Facebook’s to say married then went to sleep, lol. His grandma picked us up at 6 am the next morning and we were off to Cancun! 

It was the first time I had ever been out of the country and the first time I’d been on a plane in over a decade, so I had tons of fun. The beach was amazing, Ross laughed at me because I had so much fun playing in the water but I had only been to a beach a few times in my entire life so I was enjoying myself. We swam, we tanned, we went to the flea market almost every day to look around, we got massages, we ate amazing food, it was so wonderful. 🙂 We are so American though, that we would go to the convenience store at the end of the drive every day for bottled water and Lays Stax, then we’d sit in bed and watch the one English channel on the TV and eat chips during the afternoon. 🙂 We got lost on a bus ride, getting on the wrong bus and it took us all the way out into where the native Mexicans live and we had to find a taxi back. Ross almost got a tattoo, but I wouldn’t let him. 🙂 Overall it was an amazing week.

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Life has not been all roses and sunshine though, the first year is definitely hard. You think you’re more prepared for it because you lived together before you got married but you’re wrong. We had a lot of other things that compounded our struggles and made it that much harder, but we’re still together and I wouldn’t have it any other way. We’ve been through being so broke we couldn’t buy food, heart surgery, more being broke, an almost move to Kansas City, lack of communication skills, and a lot of other more minor things that stack up to be big things. But we’ve come out the other side and we’re stronger than we ever would have been if we hadn’t dealt with those things. It may have been a bumpy road but I wouldn’t trade the struggles we’ve been through for anything else because they have made us the couple that we are today.

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From the engagement pictures a friend took for us, I couldn’t resist splashing around in the puddle!

God has been good to us and I can’t wait to see what He has in store for us next, whether that’s relocating because of joining the Navy or if it’s staying in Lexington for the rest of our lives, I know it will be amazing. God has blessed me far greater than I could have imagined, and while this is not how I imagined my life would go, it’s an amazing life to be living.

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Why do we body shame???

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So I saw this picture on Instagram last night and I was shocked when I read through some of the comments. Almost every single on of them was derogatory and talking about how she needs to eat and she has a sickness. I was so upset that I actually commented back, something that I never do. Now no, I don’t think that the girl in the picture is particularly super fit, she’s just skinny. And there’s nothing wrong with that! It bothers me so much that everyone is so quick to judge how everyone else looks and ways to fix it. Being super skinny isn’t a sickness any more than having huge hips or big boobs is a sickness. Some people are just naturally skinny, just like some people naturally have ginormous hips and have to work ridiculously hard to be fit.

Now yes, eating disorders are a serious deal and I am not trying to diminish that in any way. I have had quite a few friends that have dealt with it and I have had my own bouts with it, but in my opinion we wouldn’t have nearly so many issues with eating disorders as we do now if we would stop being so quick to judge how everyone else looks. 

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We only get one body on this Earth, so why spend your whole life hating it? God made your body and when He saw what He had made He called it perfect. So why are you hating it? God thinks you are perfect, God thinks you are beautiful, God thinks you are amazing and precious just the way you are. So why don’t you?

We have fat shaming, skinny shaming, fit shaming, tattoo shaming, no tattoos shaming, your nose is too big, your legs have cellulite, you don’t have a thigh gap, you have acne, your hair isn’t what we think is perfect, your knees look weird,  your arms flap when you wave, the list goes on and on. This is just ridiculous! Why do we spend so much of our lives looking down our noses at other people for their appearance?! Why do we care so much about how other people look? Is it because we are that insecure with how we feel about ourselves that we feel the need to degrade other people? News Flash! Tearing other people down just makes a bigger mess, it doesn’t build you up even one tiny little millimeter more! Think about how it feels when someone insults you for how you look. Does it make you feel better? No, it doesn’t. so what on earth makes you think that it’s going to make somebody else feel any better than the way that you feel?

The less we judge others, the fewer little girls will feel the need to starve themselves to try and achieve a thigh gap that can only be achieved through bone structure. The less we fat shame, the fewer girls will feel the need to throw up every single bit of food they eat to try and keep up appearances but be as tiny as they feel like they need to be. 

So the next time you go to judge someone else based on their appearance, think about how you would feel if someone told you the exact words that you’re thinking. We need to be nicer to the people we meet, there will be a lot less pain and heartache if we do.

Kick Ass Mode

I am now pushing myself into full kick ass mode. I am going to work out before work with the hubs (if he can keep up and if I can force myself to get up) and I’m also going to try to work out after work too. I have been battling with fears over feeling like I’m being called to the Navy for a couple years now, and I’m finally going to go for it. So I’m working my butt off to get into shape. I have to be able to run 1.5 miles in under 12 minutes (and if you think that’s crazy easy, you underestimate how much I hate running) do as many pushups as possible in 2 minutes (which is about 5 at this point, maybe 10), and as many sit ups as I can in 2 minutes (which is at least 50 the last time I counted, not too shabby). But I want to be better, I need to be better. If I’m going to do this I want to be the very best that I can be, I want to blow everyone out of the water with how awesome I am. So that means I have got to get on it. I printed out a practice ASVAB test and the whole entire ASVAB For Dummies book (which I found online in PDF form for FREE!!!) which also has 4 practice tests in it as well. (my nerd side is in absolute heaven right now)

It truly is amazing though. I’ve been feeling like the Navy would be a good place for me for a long time but I had so much fear that I wouldn’t let myself do it. I have been discontented with my life, as far as my job goes, for years and nothing has quite worked out the way it was supposed to/should have. Every few months I would get in this funk where I just wasn’t happy with anything, I was bored with everything, I have no good/real friends anymore, my job isn’t what I want to be doing for the rest of my life, everything was just gray and dim. So I was in one of those funks this past week and I was talking to Ross about it (who is a saint, by the way. He puts up with all my moods and listens to me talk and talk and talk about the same things all the time, he gives me advice when I want it, he responds the right way but he isn’t afraid to tell me his straight opinion and call me on my bs. He’s amazing and I am so glad that God gave him to me!!!) and he asked me straight up what I was afraid of. Of course I instantly burst into tears (again!) and didn’t say anything. I just kept telling him that I’d told him already (which I had but not directly) because I know that our words have power to shape the world around us, and I didn’t want to say my fears out loud to put them out there to be used against me. But I had been holding them in for so long that they were eating me alive, so I finally told him (well, he kinda guessed and I kinda told him). He didn’t laugh at me, he didn’t tell me that they were stupid, he did look at me like I was a little crazy when I told him the extent that those fears had gotten to but he didn’t judge. He reassured me that with how smart I am I would be able to score high enough on all the tests that I wouldn’t be at risk to be deployed, I would be able to go back to school (which is something that I’ve wanted ever since I left back in 2009), and he told me that he thinks that would be exactly what I need. He told me that he would follow me anywhere that I wanted/needed to go. So I’m gonna do it. It also helped that (as we continued to talk) I was going on and on about how it’s so weird to think about me being in the military because my family isn’t a military family, my family’s the one that’s always making jokes about Big Brother watching and controlling everything, my parents even use a search engine called Duck Duck because it doesn’t save their searches like Google does…. (yes, seriously). And I know that as soon as I mention it to my parents, they’re going to freak out and tell me all the ways that it’s stupid and why I shouldn’t do it (which is what happened when I was applying to be a cop, I told my mom and she instantly popped off with a ‘well you shouldn’t because it’s so dangerous and a cop got killed just last week!’ so she pretty much killed that for me) and I don’t want to deal with that. And he said ‘Well, you’re a Murphy now and you know who’ll be super happy and excited for you? My parents.’ which is true. His parents will be more excited and supportive than mine, that’s for sure. So I’m not going to let my parents and their close-minded views on the military and me change what I want to do with my life. 

It’s really kind of sad to think about how much our parents shape how we see ourselves and what we do with our lives, even as adults. I know that I’m about to be 25 years old and shouldn’t be worried about what my parents think of my life decisions anymore, but it’s like I can’t help it. It’s a habit from years and years of having to live by their rules and their wishes, on top of my people-pleaser personality (which I am working on freeing myself from and doing a pretty good job so far). But it is so wonderful to have somebody like Ross by my side through everything because he helps to keep me grounded and motivated and he helps me see the things that I really want, beyond what I  think others would want me to do. It was a real eye opener to me when he told me that my parents had said to him that they didn’t hunk we should have 3 dogs because they didn’t think that I would be able to take care of them all; for my mom to call me a ditz at my brother’s birthday lunch and it was no big deal; for them to openly say that they don’t pay attention to what I say half the time; it’s really upsetting to think about those kind of things. So I’m setting out to prove them wrong. I will do this and I will be amazing and I will not fail.

Yes, I am still nervous and a little scared, but who isn’t when they’re facing a huge life-changing unknown? No, I don’t want to go to basic and be gone for 2 months, I don’t want to be gone for another unknown amount of time after that for my schooling for my job, I don’t want to have the risk of being deployed, I don’t know how I’ll do if they stick me on a ship for an extended period of time (I should buy stock in Dramamine), but I do know that if this is right, it’ll work out. I’m excited to have something to do, something to be working towards. I like my job now, I like the people and I like where I’m at in life but I don’t love it. I honestly thought that by now I’d have at least 1 kid, if not another one on the way. But I don’t so it’s time to rethink the life plan and I think this is the direction I want to go.

Nerd Alert: I had so much fun starting one of the practice tests while I was on my lunch break!!! 😀